I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
