nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
