Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
