i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
