I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
3pm strippers are depressing
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
