Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
