I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
