Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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