So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
