you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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