I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
