Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
