they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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