I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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