Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
