I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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