Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
