Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
