Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
