I'm going to rape someone's good day.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
