you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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