i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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