So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
