I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
two words: eviction party
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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