Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
