it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Who died my cat blue again?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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