Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
