Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
