I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
