obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
