Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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