I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
