listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
