I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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