There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
