the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
