when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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