The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
