My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
