in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Dignity is for republicans.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
