I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
