there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
