woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
