I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
