I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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