Rock
Scissors
Fuck
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize