I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
