dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
