i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
