the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So much Jack, so little girl.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
