I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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