I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
